No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
