giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
