He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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