Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
