i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
