I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
