I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We had sex on a dog bed..
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
