My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
