I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
