It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
