You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
