we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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