none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
