I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
