can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
