Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
