i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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