i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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