I love black thongs
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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