She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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