so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
