I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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