walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
