Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
