Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
