so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
