I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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