Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
