you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
