She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
