a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
