God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
