Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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