I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
