If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
