i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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