i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
