When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
