Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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