people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
