I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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