my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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