I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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