East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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