So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
