i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
