remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
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You. Win. At. Life.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
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Sorry my hands just texted you
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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