is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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