I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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