I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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