Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
